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Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Top 10 List of 2012’s Top 10 Lists

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At some point in 2012 people decided they didn’t want to read stuff anymore. More specifically, people don’t want to read long informative articles anymore.  Instead, folks just want to read a series of headlines (Twitter) and picture captions (Pinterest).  Perhaps the biggest trend of 2012 was the proliferation of…lists; best of, worst of, most shocking, and various other “you name it” top 10 lists of every imaginable subject.

To close out the “year of the list”, we’ve created a…

Top 10 List of the top 10 lists of 2012.

  1. Top 10 Pictures of 2012 – Huffington Post
  2. Top 10 Adventures of 2012 – Business Insider
  3. Top 10 Sports Stories of 2012 – Wall Street Journal
  4. Top 10 Most Watched You Tube Videos of 2012 – USA Today
  5. Top 10 News Bloopers of 2012 – Liveleak
  6. Top 10 Most Viral Ads of 2012 – Business Insider
  7. Top 10 Tech Breakthroughs of 2012 – Popular Science
  8. Top 10 Mugshots of 2012 – The Smoking Gun
  9. Top 10 Worst College Majors for 2012 – Kiplingers (hint: any major including the word “art” is on this list)
  10. Top 10 Most Expensive Homes in America in 2012 – CNBC

We hope you had a great 2012, and we wish you a safe and prosperous 2013!

-Brandon Hinkle/plurafinancial.com

Top 10 List of 2012 pic v4

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Written by entrabanker

December 30, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Corporate Jargon Translator – Part 2 (Stuff Analysts Say)

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Analysts say a lot of creative things to avoid getting fired in Corporate America.  Here’s a quick guide to help you translate some popular Analyst jargon:

Stuff Analysts Say (and what it really means) in Corporate America:

There were unintended consequences (My idea totally backfired…)

It’s not a silver bullet but it’s a helpful tool (I have no idea how this pivot table works)

I don’t disagree with you (You are right and I am wrong, but I won’t give you the satisfaction of actually agreeing with you)

Too funny (Go away. Every minute you spend at my desk telling me your lame story is another minute I have to stay later at work)

They puked all over it (They said no)

They responded with some pretty aggressive rhetoric (They said no, again)

They’re trying to take a pound of flesh (I forgot to read the Fee section of the agreement before having you sign it)

We’re in sync on the broad strokes of the deal (We’ve only agreed on the easy points)

I ran a sensitized case for the financial model (My boss has no faith in my abilities, and wanted to see what’s really going to happen)

I just want to ensure my call notes are accurate (Please repeat that, I was reading ESPN.com when you said that last part)

Apologies for my delay, was stuck in a long meeting (We had a call scheduled?)

I’m sorry, my cell phone is acting up…whose number is this? (I didn’t think you were important enough to add to my Outlook contacts when we first met)

We’re going to put it on hold/in dry dock (My boss said no, but I forgot to tell you last month)

There is perceived value (Our marketing people creatively tricked customers into paying for this P.O.S.)

We’re trying to get the data to corroborate it (I haven’t started working on this yet)

Let me run the numbers some more and circle back (I still haven’t started working on this yet)

I’m not wedded to the idea (I just realized my recommendation was dumb)

I’m getting deal blur (I guessed the answer to your question, and guessed wrong)

Let’s socialize the issue (I plan to ignore your concern and hope you forget about it)

We need to kill the alligator closest to the boat (Let’s ignore less urgent assignments until the boss forgets about them)

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This article was written by James Timberview, featured in the blog for pluraFinancial.com.  Special thanks to Brandon Hinkle and Joe Polaneczky, who contributed several catchphrases to this hodgepodge of CYA jargon.

Written by entrabanker

April 5, 2012 at 4:23 am

Corporate Jargon Translator – Part 1 (Stuff Managers Say)

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                Corporate Jargon Translator

                                 

If you’re thinking about going into corporate America, you’d better understand the lingo first.  Here’s a quick guide for translating corporate speak.

Stuff Managers Say (and what it really means) in Corporate America:

I’m cautiously optimistic… (We’re going to lose money…)

We’re exploring strategic partnerships (We’re trying to sell this thing before the wheels fall off)

We’re going to make a right shift (We’re about to fire a bunch of people)

We need to right size the business (We’re about to fire a bunch of people)

Reworking the blueprints of the business (We’re about to fire a bunch of people)

At the end of the day (We’ll be fine eventually, but in the meantime it’s gonna get messy)

It is what it is. (The answer is no, but I have no good rationale for it.)

We don’t know what we don’t know. (The answer is no, but I have no good rationale for it.)

From 30,000 feet… (I have no idea what’s going on, but here’s what I was told by my Analyst 5 minutes before this meeting…)

We need to put pen to paper (You’re going to have to pull an all nighter on this)

We need to sharpen our pencils on this transaction (I’ve never even heard of this deal before)

I want to take your temperature (Here’s an idea that will be really good for our side)

Bifurcate (split)

We’re not going to cut our nose off to spite our face (…although once again out of context, I finally said this right!)

We need to kick this sleeping dog (Get this deal done or you’re a goner)

Let’s keep it simple (This doesn’t make any sense and you just wasted 5 hours working on a chart that nobody will ever read or understand)

We need an incentive based on aligning objectives (We need to be paid more money before I can approve this)

Balancing your point with the practical implication that… (You’re an idiot)

Split the baby  (We better be getting paid for this)

We need to craft a backdoor mechanism (We need to get paid without anyone else knowing about it)

Let’s create a side letter (We need to get paid without anyone else knowing about it)

You need to think outside the box (Find a way to get it done and leave me alone)

First gauge their appetite for … (Let’s see if they’ll fall for it before we put any real work into this)

I find that to be reasonable but there are all sorts of shades of grey (They’ll never go for that)

This is a win/win (Everyone has successfully been tricked into believing this is a good deal)

It’s a no brainer (Everyone has successfully been tricked into believing this is a good deal)

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This article was written by James Timberview, featured in www.plurafinancial.wordpress.com, the blog for plurafinancial.com – the online matchmaker between banks and small businesses seeking debt.  Special thanks to Brandon Hinkle and Joe Polaneczky, who contributed several corporate catchphrases to this think piece.  All rights reserved.

Written by entrabanker

March 25, 2012 at 4:01 pm